Relationships: What to do when there's no more "Me and You"

What do bipolar relationships, grieving, grief and loss, romance, and Maya Angelou have to do with each other? Reading Angelou's ground-breaking and deeply moving, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings " proved to be an illuminating experience. Her perceptive explorations gave me the courage to look at my own relationships more deeply, and helped me begin to wring some clarity from the ashes of past, disastrous liaisons. Her words have also given me insight into the troubled relationships among some of my friends, and family members.

I am currently still learning how to live again as a recently-single person, and contemplating the loss of what I thought was true love. I find I have reached an emotional plateau of sorts, from which I can survey the wreckage, and ask some hard questions about what went wrong, and what warning signs I deliberately overlooked.

The plateau on which I now exist emotionally is moderately comfortable, but not a place where I can allow myself to stay for very long. Though it offers a vantage point for reviewing my past and examining that lost relationship, there is no place here for the passions and joys of new love.

I am not speaking of some metaphysical plane of existence, by any means. Rather, I feel a need to withdraw from the "love arena", and spend some time in learning, healing, and gathering strength before I will be ready re-engage fully with life and love.

Now that I am no longer with that person - the one with whom I planned to spend the rest of my life, that is - friends and family are coming forward with expressions of relief at my release from durance vile , as if I had been a prisoner in the relationship.

I must admit I was surprised at first by some of the comments, but time (it's been almost a year ), and distance (I've moved twice since the "breakup" ), is giving me some perspective on the matter. Distance is also giving me a false sense that "things weren't really all that bad." Anyone who has ever been in a dysfunctional or abusive relationship can hear the warning bells already.

We had grown used to a certain distance from *Lizzy, as her ex had moved them further and further from family and friends, until she was living in complete isolation. She had also picked up her ex's view point that any expectation of your family that you keep in touch was interference in your life.

After two interventions, she was finally persuaded to move out and start her own life. Unfortunately, like many other caged birds, *Lizzy had forgotten how to fly. She had lost faith in her ability to look after herself. Her confidence had been eroded to the point where she no longer believed that she could manage on her own.

As well, she was in the same boat as many other caged birds - though she had worked all through the marriage, at such low-paying jobs as were available to many women who chose marriage over a career, she now found herself cut loose with no way to survive on her own on the salary she was capable of earning.

*Ed seemed to be the answer to a maiden's prayers - kind, considerate, concerned only with *Lizzy's well-being, and filling her days with fun. He bought her jewelry; he showered her with gifts; he showered her family with gifts.

Then some of *Ed's problems began to surface. *Ed was always right...about everything. Ed's opinion was the only one that mattered...about everything. It became increasingly difficult to have any kind of normal visit, or normal conversation, as every dinner, every holiday gathering soon disintegrated into an *Ed-alogue, in which he held forth at great length.

His stories were repeated verbatim, and in incredible detail, with growing vehemence, though everyone soon learned not to argue, or even mildly disagree. Only movie night was safe - to a point, and only as long as the movie was of *Ed's choosing.

A disturbing obsessiveness began to emerge in his behaviors. He couldn't seem to buy just one of a thing - he had to have every kind of that thing available.

His obsessiveness didn't end there though. It also extended to certain local politicians. *Ed soon bragged to us that he was on a number of "watch lists", a detail of his life filled us with concern.

Soon we began to hear of, and eventually experience his temper. *Ed had been careful at first to behave towards *Lizzy's family with respect and consideration. As he became more comfortable around us, his true nature began to surface - the erratic temper, the irrational behaviors, the frightening outbursts.

Still, the little bird sang in its cage, afraid to stay, but even more afraid to leave.

So, is it love that binds us together? What exactly is the glue that keeps the relationship limping along, and holds the caged bird in her cage?

There many kinds and degrees of love, and many ways to express it, and though the controllers may avow undying love for the object of their desires, their need to control should not be confused with love. Nor should the gratitude the bird feels, along with the fear and lack of self-esteem that keep the bird in the cage, be confused with feelings of love for her keeper.

These two may in fact feel love for each other, but those feelings are also bound up in the complicated web of fear and control that entangles both their lives...and that leads back to my original questionings about the nature of love.

Is love, in fact, an immutable truth, or merely some transient emotion? Perhaps for some, this is the case. To me, after everything I have experienced and gleaned from the lives of others, love is a decision. It is a decision, or affirmation, if you will, of commitment to another. Making that decision is what causes your face to light up every time they enter the room. Making that decision is what causes you to want to be with that person above all others even after years together. Sometimes, when the going gets a bit rocky, it is a decision that you renew every day.

It can even make you write poetry...

If You Be Love...

If you be love, take then my heart;

In joy, be thou my sun;

Hold fast my hand, and never part;

So share we life as one;

Take thou my days, and in our nights

Our love shall blessèd be;

Where e'er we two with peace abide,

Lives love, eternally.

© 2010, Text by Elle Fredine, All rights reserved.

"If You Be Love", © 2009, Elle Fredine