Signs that Your Marriage is in Trouble
69Let Me Count The Ways...
To paraphrase Miss Browning, there are many signs to show that one is in love, or is loved, from the trite-but-true flowers and candy (does anyone else remember those delightful Vargas girls?), to scented missives dripping hyperbole and protestations of undying love.
Sometimes more subtle but nonetheless clear to the trained eye, are the signs that things are not going well. I am somewhat of an expert in this area having now survived the demise of three long-term relationships. Married at nineteen, I naively believed that love was forever. After all, the minister had pronounced words and prayers, our family and friends had witnessed our vows, it must be a done deal - right?
What are the signs?
Wrong...
The signs were fairly clear from the start had I had the wit or experience to recognize them.
When we were first married, I was given the role of book-keeper and
finance tracker. Once it became clear that I actually had a handle on
our finances, they were immediately whisked from my grasp, and I was
informed that we no longer needed to note everything in the ledger each month. I was no longer privy to either income or outgo - to cheque stubs, credit card receipts, bills, etc. Even shopping at the grocery store was done via a charge account - I picked up whatever we needed and he paid the charge off each month - I didn't even see that totals. ...and all because I had suggested we put a potion of our income each month into a savings account which could then be rolled over into investments or put towards a vacation.
My spouse's habit of leaving the house for work right after breakfast and only returning from the company of his buddies at the local watering hole well after our son had been put to bed should have been a clue that things were not going well. I had attempted to become part of the night-crowd before our son was born, but as I didn't drink then I was an unwelcome tag-along.
Learning to drive the family car was another big no-no until we moved to a remote northern community. Then my weekly outing to the nearest town that boasted an actual modern supermarket was viewed in a different light - it became the weekly booze run, complete with cash and shopping lists from the neighbours.
Another sign we were in trouble was the discovery of the deep philosophical gulf that separated us. I almost fell into this gulf on three occasions.
A young, attractive, female teacher was raped by several of her students. She and her husband left town not long after as the students' parents made the woman's position untenable - small town, powerful parents. When I asked the father of my child what he would do if I were (God forbid) ever raped, he absolutely floored me by saying it would depend what I had done to bring it about.
In our family dictionary of the time, rape was defined as "the forcible knowledge or taking of a woman without her consent ..." I was so shocked by his response I was unable to adequately frame my reply, but I could hear the coffin nails being pounded. Strike One!
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To be sure, we disagreed about a number of things, including how best to educate our son, a very intelligent and chatty little fellow. We disagreed about our finances. My spouse felt that any money that came into our house was his to dispose of as he chose, and took it very hard that I immediately spent whatever I earned to prevent this. I had no other bank account but "ours", and was required to have my husband's signature on any account I chose to open - even the business account I eventually opened. Small town - one bank.
One evening over coffee
with two of my girl friends, we strayed into a dangerous topic, one I
knew would be fraught with conflict. Sure enough, he heard us and
decided to join in. One of "the girls" took great offense to my spouses
comments, and let him know how she felt. I was feeling a bit chirpy,
backed by my friends, and opened my mouth in her support, contradicting
his orneriness's position. The evening eventually ended with hugs all
round, and compliments for the stimulating debate, but I could see the
gathering storm clouds.
After my friends had left, he finally got down to it and I learned that I was not ever, under any circumstances, allowed to disagree with him in public. I asked if that meant in the privacy of our home and in front of two of my friends (there were no other males present to witness the heresy). The edict was immediately amended to "never disagree with him, under any circumstances, at all". Strike Two.
Strike Three - you're outta there...
Strike Three turned out to be the accumulated effects of the two years of infighting that finally resulted in my going away to college and getting an education. Without the backing of several of our friends, it would never happened, and I will always be grateful for their help, guidance, clever tactics, and support. That was also the final straw that broke the marriage's back.
Surprise!
I'll bet you thought this was going to be one of those helpful, light and positive columns full of sage advice on what to look for and what to do once you spot it. Bear in mind, that though some of us make rather disastrous choices, we still may need to be hit over the head with a two-by-four.
The basic signs can include secretiveness, lack of respect for your feelings, lack of communication, lack of intimacy, separate friends, separate vacations, separate beds - in short anything that works for one may not work for you, and things that don't work for others may work for you.
People will often say one thing but show you another with their behaviour. Ask questions - if you don't get answers, or you don't like the answers, get help. Untwist your knickers and talk to your spouse, talk to a friend, talk to a counsellor. Trust your instincts ...and take you head out of the sand. Not knowing is worse.
© 2009 Text by Elle Fredine, All rights reserved
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Thanks, Enelle. Some days are better than others. Thanks for the support. Other days, I'm not so sure where we all are, but it beats the alternative.
RedElf, I liked how you wrote: The signs were fairly clear from the start had I had the wit or experience to recognize them. Very well put. Kind Regards
Thanks so much. Always nice to hear when ppl enjoy the hubs.
nicely written.
Thanks for stopping by, new pen. I look forward to reading some of your hubs.
Honey, let me tell you a some ways to know your marriage is in trouble. It's when you wake him up from a nap in the middle of the day and he beats the hell out of you, or when you disagree with him about a football game on TV and he throws you out of the house in your underware and locks the door behind you, or when he gets so drunk can't tell the difference between you and his ex and he slams you against the wall so hard he breaks three of your ribs. But the the real sure fire sign is when he would rather have fake sex in a chat room with some stranger on a webcam, then real sex with his wife in the bedroom just down the hall.
Thanks for stopping by Disturbia. We all have different lives and I am grateful the 2x4 I was hit with wasn't in my spouse's hands. Sounds like more than the marriage is in trouble...
LOL, Oh there's no more trouble in that marriage. It's history. But I learned not to ignore any more red flags, i.e. the guy has been divorced 5 times and he drinks 20 beers a day (starts at 6:00 am and has about 1 an hour till bedtime) that should have been a hint as to there being some problems with him. But he was just so charming and exciting, well he turned into the thrill ride from hell. So, I stay away from the "bad boys" and the "charmers" and I pay close attention to details. No more stitches, broken bones or broken hearts for me thank you very much. Awesome hub btw.
I hear you, Disturbia, and thanks again - awesome comments!
It makes me sad to hear so much pain. I in my youth wasn't always fair with my wife of 33years. She still saw enough good to work with so she kept me around and how grateful I am she did. As my relationship with God became stronger I examined alot of my feelings and I wasn't proud. I'm not perfect but we laugh a whole lot more and we are best friends. I don't know why men can be so inconsiderate but I apologize for my genders stupidity. I believe for the most part women are exactly what is meant by service to your fellow man. Humble and hard working best describe the women I know. Thanks for all you do! Peace.
Thanks so much, rocksolid. I am so glad you found the strength to examine yourself, and that you and your wife are now best friends. It takes a big person to make such changes. Thanks for sharing part of your journey, and blessings on you both.
Thanks so much, Anamika, and too true - I have included your comments without the link to your hub ;)
Anamika S says:
16 hours ago
Excellent Writeup. We learn a lot by our own experiences and of those around us. We can see those signs by keen observation and mend a relationship if detected early. Incidentally I have written a hub on 12 signs that your marriage is in trouble. Please feel free to visit.
He sounds like a kitten compared to my husband.. I live in the bedroom now to avoid the comments and looks and the hurtful words... oh least not forget the boosting of his younger people on his team of how great they are - only to belittle me before to long if I hang around him long enuff for him to continue to talk about "his" day "his team" "his this and that" - god forbid i should think its okay after listening to him that I could tell him about my day... hummm... never fails...everytime i talk - i hear the words... ok ok yeah - u said that already or -" are u finished yet" and this is only 5 minutes into me talking... when i ask him why he is like that with me - his words are - because u never have anything important to say that i want to hear..
theres more but no need in going into it - i can already here the words from all those who read this " WTF are u still doing with him" :-) am i right?
I'm alone... i'm lonely.. i'm miserable.. i'm hateful.. i'm like the living dead inside.. i feel like shit all the time and i am in robot mode with my life at work... my whole life is shit and theres so much more to this its pathetic... but truth is I'm okay with living in this room like its my apartment... but inside i'm constantly feeling like my chest is on fire.. i take more deep breaths than the average person.. to keep from exploding -
would love to hear from anyone who wants to tell me - what I know i should do - what I want to do - but find living like i am is all I know and thinking most of the time its not to bad as long as i dont expect a loving caring intimate relationship with the man i married.
when i dont feel i am missing out - i'm okay - for awhile
than i start feeling like an empty shell barely existing
greenie
Are you happier now that you are not married? How is life going for you these days since your previous marital experience? Have you found a sense of freedom that you have been longing for when you were married? Sometimes I envy the single because they can do what they want when they want and then sometimes I just don't want to be alone. Your thoughts?
geenie, you know the answers. You need to get some help. Living in a bedroom is not living, it's existing! Do yourself a favor and talk to some professionals who can help you find the tools you need to make a life for yourself! there are lots of organizations that can and will help if you will only reach out to them. I don't wholly know your circumstances, but surely, getting out would be far better than staying?
I'm not sure if happier would be a word I would choose to describe myself right now. I am, however, learning to live with the loss, and am beginning to find myself again. The only freedom I ever longed for while I was married was the freedom to be who I truly was, and to be an equal partner in the relationship. Answering only to yourself is certainly not all it's cracked up to be. - Are you not happy? Sounds like you might be longing for some freedom, no?
Thank you for sharing RedElf. Love the name by the way. :)
Thanks so much - I've grown quite fond of the name ;)
My husband loves me, but because his mother taught him to only love her, it has been diifiult being married to him. She has tried sabotaging our marrige so many times, my husband does not know how to love and is so selfish. Its sad cause he is a nice guy. He believes that others are put before me and our children, he is an alcholoc cause he does not no how to deal with his feelings, has become addicted to work cause he looks important to others. I wish I could explain 16 years briefly, but I dont know what to do, he teases me in a nasty way makes me feel worthless and his poor kids are getting the same treatment. Ive stuck by him thorugh thick and thin and feel Ive waisted my time. Like I said he does love me but does not show it. We have so many issues from his up bringing that gets in our way, it hurts so much.
My dear, you and your husband, if he will, need to get some professional help - perhaps marriage counseling. At the very least, you need to get some help and decide if you and your children should continue to stay in a harmful-sounding relationship. I hope you are able to find help for your problems.
Thanks RedElf, I did seek advise from a councilor about 6 years ago, it was very good in the scenes he made me understand what my husband thinks and why he thinks like he does, unfortunately his mothers selfish love is embedded in him and the councilor said that because we were moving to another country the further away he is from his mother the more he will become just like her, We had his mother here for a visit a few months back and it was not good as she saw that she was not getting to me through her son my husband so instead used my kids and that where I drew the line. Because of this she has gone and lied to everybody back in our home country and now I am hated and ignored by them all. If you meet me, Im not one to bicker argue, I am respectful and kind now that's taken away from me. My husband makes life tough for me because he will treat me like dirt for weeks and then he will come to me and say sorry he does not know why he does these things to me, he makes me feel hopeful again only to come down on me harder. I am mentally exhausted and feeling worthless, I tell myself I am better than this and I must just think positive but 16 years has caught up to me and I feel stuck. Thank you for listening to me, like I said its so complicated and deep just because Im not getting smashed up physically does not mean I am not in an abusive relationship, my husband usually corners me and will put his chest out so I cant move around him if I push him out the way he grabs my arm and squeezes it till I bruise. So difficult like I said he is a nice person you will love him if you met him, but he is different when it comes to me.He refuses to see a marriage councilor, I have threated to leave him before and he promises he will change but he only gets worse, now although we are both sexually attracted to each-other I dont want to share my body with him, cause its the only thing I have left thats pure so to speak, if I just have sex with him to please him I will feel worse and I think that will mean Ive lost my dignity.
Your husband is acting abusively to you. Please don't think that your staying is for the good of the children - by staying, you are exposing them to the effects of his abuse. By staying, you are accepting his abuse, even if you don't like it, and this teaches your children two very harmful things: one is that the way he treats you is an acceptable mode of behavior - after all if it were not acceptable, surely you would leave. The second is that leaving an abusive relationship is not an option - if it were the best thing to do, you would have done it, after all.
Though your husband may not be directly attacking your children, you and he are still showing them unhealthy behavior, and children learn to follow what we do, not what we say.
If you won't leave for yourself, perhaps you will be strong enough to get your children out before it is too late for them. They need to learn about healthy relationships to be able to have healthy relationships when they grow up. Get out for their sakes, then then get help for you and your children to deal with the abuse you have all suffered.
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Enelle Lamb Level 4 Commenter 3 years ago
In answer to the question, "Is there a Hell?" I would have to say, "YES!" And we are in it, as your hub so elequently shows. Thank you for such a personal glimpse into your life. Beautifully written.