Stand By Your Man

Dating services, dating tips, dating advice - nothing can prepare you for a foray into the dating jungle. No meat-market, cougar bar, or matchmaker's parlor can hold a candle to what's waiting out there for the unwary or newly-freed prospective entry into the online dating mine-field.

I urge you, ladies, hang onto your fella! Learn to appreciate him! You may never turn him into a silk purse, but what are a few warts compared to wasting your life on the hunt for a suitable replacement.

Football, hockey, baseball, basketball, Nascar, Formula One - many thousands of women the world over have learned to love sports. Just look at all the commercials that extol the joys of preparing the best Game Day munchies! Surely, ten thousand screaming, paint-faced, jersey-sporting, beer-chugging sports fans can't be wrong - can they?

Besides, some of those young men on the playing field in display fine physiques. Just check out the W.W.F., and you will see some pretty impressive six-packs...but I digress.

My grandparents had one of the best marriages I have ever seen. Grampa, a stalwart six-footer, simply adored his diminutive "Annie". He would gladly have moved mountains for her - as long as it didn't need to be moved during a baseball game, of a golf tournament, or, heaven forefend, during the play-offs - of anything. Any other time, though, and Bob's your uncle. Her whim was a done deal.

Granny repaid his adoration by spoiling him rotten. A champion cook and fabulous baker, she not only cooked his favorite meals, she prepared everything just the way he liked it.

I remember one particular supper ritual that I never truly understood until I was much older. Just before the meal was ready, Granny would always call Grampa to the table. Then she would serve him a cream soup bowl full of riced potatoes, over which her would pour a good measure of cream after salting, peppering, and buttering the fluffy, steaming heap. There he would feast, in solitary splendor while she finished dishing up the meal. Only then would everyone else be called to eat.

When we asked why, Grampa would only say, "I was sixteen before I knew what the inside of potato tasted like." We thought it odd that such a thing would make you crave potatoes. We had all eaten baked potatoes, and the crispy skin with succulent bits of white flesh clinging to it was the best part.

Surely there must be more to this, we thought. Puzzled, we turned to Granny for a more definitive answer. Granny's explanation for this was that when Grampa was a boy, his mother took in boarders to eke out the family income. She would boil the potatoes and serve them to the boarders with the rest of the meal, while the children, who ate in the kitchen, got the scraped out peelings and skins - and there was precious little potato clinging to those peels.

When Grampa was sixteen and bringing home a man's wages, he ate with the boarders, and finally tasted the insides of the potatoes. It was something that never left him. He could never bear the thought of any child not having enough to eat, and would never allow it if he could help it...and Granny lovingly fed the child in him every night with that bowl of potatoes.

I am sure that Granny was ready to kill him many times over on occasion, but the worst thing we ever heard her say was, "Ross *last-name*, you make me tired." Having delivered herself of this, she would retreat to her room and close the door.

My son and his wife are similarly blessed. In many ways they remind me of my grandparents. My son is also a strapping six foot four inches, and his wife of almost twenty years is a diminutive little fire cracker.

They have a wonderful, loving relationship. They communicate well, relying on each other for strength and support. They make a good team, and are truly "in it for the long haul".

He works long hours to be a good provider, and she repays his care of her by ensuring he is a happy and contented fellow. She openly spoils him with fresh-baked bread in his lunches, and tasty meals waiting for him at the end of his long day. She periodically sends much appreciated home-baked goodies to work for "sharing".

He can't resist taunting some of the other less fortunate fellow whose wives work full-time, gleefully rubbing his good fortune under their noses. It's all in good fun though, as he is well aware how truly blessed he is in his help-meet.

Sometimes though, there's no way around it, and dating is in the cards for you. If you've been out of the trenches for a while, and are back in the game again, don't despair. There are still lots of great guys out there even in the 50 and 60 plus age range. Here are some simple tips and to help you navigate the mine field - the "ABC"s of dating:

Tip #1 - Attributes (that's another word for boobs) - Yes, we know that's what they look at! Like it or not, that is a prominent feature of female anatomy, and one that is usually noticed quite early in the conversation. Present them nicely, ladies. Make sure the girls are pleasingly featured, but not overpowering. A slightly naughty but tasteful hint of hidden delights is enough - let them anticipate the "full meal deal".

Tip#2 - Behinds - Yes, that's the second thing they look at. Actually, some men would rate this as number one. Make sure the booty is well-presented in shape-flattering jeans, or that any over-abundance is well-camouflaged. Guys are suckers for great camouflage...

Tip#3 - Confidence - As long as you are feeling great about yourself, and are aware that you are an attractive, classy lady, there isn't a guy in the room you couldn't have. Truly - trust me on this one. There is nothing so attractive as a confident woman who knows what she wants and lets him know it. Don't hunt, don't steamroller, just let him know...and don't poach - definitely do not poach. That is just tacky.

After you've mastered the "ABC"s, and found a nice fellow, stop searching and be prepared to lavish some attention on this one. If you're looking for an mature man, someone in their 50s or 60s, for example, you will definitely need to practice this approach. Any man will blossom and thrive under a regime of loving attention, particularly one who may have already experienced the good, and possibly the bad, of relationships.

Smile and Listen - Show him you appreciate his point of view. Laugh at his jokes, or at least smile at them encouragingly. A lovely smile can be a gal's most attractive asset. As well, a lovely smile and a kindly, listening ear can be an almost unbeatable combination. You've seen the movies, ladies - the spiffy sex-pot may have turned the hero's head, but Doris Day got him before the closing credits rolled.

"...never let him go..." Good advice in the words of "Some Enchanted Evening", Rogers and Hammerstein's lovely lyric from their hit musical South Pacific. Time and again relationships break down for so many reasons, but it is saddest when caused by neglect and drifting apart.

Even if watching a rollicking game of golf - and there was no such thing before Tiger Woods, let me tell you - makes you yearn for the excitement that only drying paint can offer, hang in there. I am told you can even learn to love ice-fishing if you put your mind to it, and it means you can spend some time together.