Blue Valentines - Looking For Love

Valentine's Day is all about love and lovers. Symbols of "love" abound - fragrant rose, gourmet chocolates, heart shaped lockets, sexy lingerie; intimate dinners, romantic getaways - special things with which we celebrate togetherness.

Glossy magazine ads feature heart shaped boxes tied with red satin bows; stylish table settings in deepest scarlet and crisp white, sparkling in the glow of elegant tapers; smiling couples strolling hand-in-hand beside a crystal sea.

All the hype about this day, right down to the lace-edged cards we send, seems aimed at making those among us who are currently on their own feel even more alone. So if you're not alone by choice, what do you do? Where do you look for love?

Well, first things first. Before you run out after that cute, chubby, pint-sized, bow-and-arrow-toting cherub, let's do a little homework. That way, when love does tap you on shoulder, you'll be somewhat prepared to make a go of it.

Are you still getting over your last relationship?

Be honest, now. If you are still recovering from the last disaster, you probably just aren't ready for your next foray into the wonderful world of relationships,

No matter how much you are hurting right now, no matter how lonely you are, you're much better off to take a pass on dating right now and give your heart a chance to heal. A failed relationship can damage your self esteem, your willingness to trust, your ability to be open - all of these can prevent you from establishing any meaningful contact. In other words, you could meet your perfect partner, but be unable to connect, or even to recognize that they could be the one.

Sometimes we just need to take the time to deal with our feelings rather than covering them up, or burying them in our rush to find another partner. Ladies, you know what I mean. Men - relax! I'm not advocating naval-gazing or touchy-feelie time. Go out with your buddies. Hang out, have a few beers, catch a movie - be with people. Spend some time with your friends having fun in a non-dating situation.

Sometimes though, you just need be alone - to give yourself time to mourn the relationship, and shed some tears for your lost love...

You might think that if you knew the answer to that question, you could have prevented it in the first place. Perhaps not though. After all, as your friends will be happy to tell you, "It takes two to tango. " That is to say, there may not have been only one of you at fault.

Were you open and honest?

This means no lies, and no secrets. If you are doing something you feel you must hide from your partner, then you might want to reconsider doing it. It also means that you weigh your words. If you feel upset or angry about something, speak up, but don't use that as an excuse to beat your partner over the head with your hurt feelings or your anger.

Some couples make a pact never to let the sun go down on their anger. They feel it is important to a healthy relationship to deal with whatever happened (or didn't happen) right away - that leaving things unsettled will allow them to fester and grow.

Not everyone can deal with things right away, and not every problem that comes up can be dealt with in a single evening. Some require more thought and effort to resolve. At least, though, a start can be made - some first steps towards a solution.

To do otherwise can lead to misunderstandings, and lay the foundation for building walls between you. It can lead to spending time away from each other, and eventually drifting farther and farther apart...

Did you keep score?

Did you keep a list of everything your partner ever did that was annoying or hurtful. For some reason you're unable to let go of past wrongs. You can recount in detail every look, every word that was said. It feels as if the whole painful episode was engraved on your very soul.

What do you accomplish by clutching these hurts to your heart? You are only hurting yourself. By reliving these dark moments in your life, you repeat the message that you deserve the pain - you are confirming, over and over, that this is all you are worth.

Worse, when you hang onto a wrong that your partner did, and withhold forgiveness from them, you turn your back on love, and take yourself closer to a place where only despair can exist...

If you're quite sure you're ready to get on with your life, it's time for the next step. First though, you need to go back to your checklist. You know what you don't want, you know what you've had enough of...but do you know what it is that you want?

What kind of love are you looking for in a partner?

If you're looking for casual liaisons, then just head for the local night spots and take your chances. If you're looking for something more though, something long-term and meaningful, you might want to consider some different options.

When asked to rate the qualities they are looking for in a partner, some will tell you the most important is a sense of humor. Some will choose the ability to listen or a great personality: some will pick generosity or a kind heart. Very few will rate physical beauty as highly as other qualities, though most of us certainly appreciate it.

However we define it though, we are all looking for an "attractive" partner - that special person who has that inner glow. Someone who knows how to love - someone involved with life, and engaged in living.

To find love, you must be ready for love. To be loved, you must be able to love. To do that, you must look within. That is where you will find love.

Not in the night spots, not online, not in the personal ads, not with a matchmaking service...within yourself.

Get on with your life. Get on with giving back to this wonderful world just a portion of what you are able, and you will be amazed at the results. Become involved with your life and doing things you love to do. Start thinking more about how you can help others rather than wondering who will help you. Do these things and you will become that attractive person...and love will find you.

© Elle Fredine, 2010, All rights reserved